haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
