yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
