Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I queefed so loud it echoed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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