Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
