Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
