Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
