4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
