I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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