I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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