As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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