he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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