i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
