You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
