Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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