i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
