How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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