Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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