Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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