haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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