saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
