You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
