I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
