In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
