I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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