apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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