I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
