i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
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Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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