I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
