Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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