I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
