and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
NoShamevember. You game?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
