I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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