Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
