If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
