how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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