He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
