You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
