I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
