well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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