im six kinds of drunk right now
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
