dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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