I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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