I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
