Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Liz is crying about burritos again.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
