u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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