he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
and she was petting her beer can
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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