I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Non-Jews are for practice
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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