I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I need help removing her.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
