i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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