Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
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I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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