Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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