soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
