The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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