I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
