The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
