Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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