Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
