Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
